I don’t think I ever really loved you. You were too easy to give up, too easy to walk away from. Maybe I’m stronger than I give myself credit for… Or maybe I discovered I loved something more than you…me. I gave you up and I could breath again...
In the beginning you were a rebellion. Something new and adult I suppose. You gave me a rush that I’d never felt or imagined, especially within the confines of a Convent. You were forbidden and I loved it. I liked the idea of you… the image. That was the hook for me. You seemed to compliment what I wanted the world to see me as – grown, independent, one of the cool kids. Ironic really, because you were just another prop.
You feel used? Maybe I did… I only paid attention when things got really tough, when I needed quick and immediate relaxation. Comfort in a stick. It was all very convenient. And let’s be honest, apart from that you were absent.
But surely that’s a good thing… too much of you is stifling. My chest is tightening, I can’t breath, I feel sick, I’m going to vomit... I said I can’t breath!
This has to end. I know I’ve said this before, but I mean it this time! What’s the point of all of this? You’re doing more damage than anything else. You’ve become mundane, just something to do. Something to keep me occupied. The rush has gone… But I’m not sure what to do with my hands. They miss you. Probably the only part of me that does…
Why do you miss me? There are so many others that look to you with such adoration, such love, such addiction. You do so much more for them… Don’t worry, I’m sure that they’ll never leave you.
They can’t see through the smoke, but I can. I’m one of the lucky ones.
